Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Sum of my Parts


My first resolution of the new year (yes, before dieting and daily exercising and all of the other little procrastinations) deals with the adage: "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." I have come to realize that my biggest issue with mySelf and with my (mostly unsuccessful) intimate relationships is the fact that I am but a sum of my parts . . . I am not whole. Somewhere in my past I fragmented mySelf. I disintegrated into the roles that were "expected" of me either by society or by my family or by me and my unreasonably high expectations. I became an expert at each individual role . . . polishing them to perfection. I thought of myself as a chameleon . . . going from Estee Lauder to June Cleaver to Saint Therese to May West with record speed . . . leaving even Mario Andretti in the dust. But, a chameleon knows what it is. It adapts for protective reasons. I, on the other hand, though my reasons may also have been of the protective nature, I lost my point of reference. I forgot who I was . . . unlike the chameleon.

So, in my pseudo-chameleon ways, I eagerly and enthusiastically changed colors time and again over the years. At times, I was accused of no longer playing the role but becoming the role . . . no longer a stereotype but now the archetype. The part of me that had surfaced, dominated and cried out to be healed - would then melt into the role / person that could "see" it, feed it and meet its needs.

Looking back over the many faces of me throughout my years, I can now make sense of my extreme choices. The child in me whose ideal perfect family was shattered by familial alcoholism set out to become the perfect wife / mother by creating the illusion of a perfect family with the perfect family man . . . until the day the spiritualist in me emerged, starving, and found a twin soul spiritualist in another who recognized that part of me. Unfortunately, he was not the family type (which still was and is a big part of me) and so, eventually, that union also ended as the rebellious teenager in me - the one who was stifled by my stern father (not unlike my former lover - no blame intended) broke free and found a teenage man to hang with. My teenager grew up and soon tired of the boy/man who was not merely playing a part . . . he chose to remain eighteen.

Now, I find myself a bit exhausted but ever so enlightened by my self-discoveries. I can move on with the knowledge I have gained and I can begin to integrate my selves into my Self and become one being . . . a whole being and a whole woman.

This, is my first and my most important resolution for the new year 2007: to heal myself into wholeness . . . to become greater than the sum of my parts.

9 comments:

R's Musings said...

Hi Pythia3,
Got to your blog through Michelle's Spell. Through your profile, I see that we're both students of A Course In Miracles, which has helped me tremendously in my search for completion. You have a wonderful resolution, and with that intention, I'll bet you gain much awareness throughout 2007. Happy New Year!

Susan Miller said...

No matter how cheesy it is whenever I am in the car and that song comes on about "I'm a bitch..I'm a lover..I'm a child..I'm a mother" I can't help but sing to the top of my lungs.

On my best days all my roles form like some awkward puzzle to form who I am, and I rejoice in it!

Love your resolution!!!!

Pythia3 said...

i love that song too, Susan! It says it all. It's good to be back.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Yeah. Okay. All I know is that I'm glad to not be looking at the woman sitting on the pot anymore. I would check back here...pot. Check back here....pot. Pot. Pot. This picture is a lot nicer. Next time you take off for an extended time, make sure you have a picture like this greeting the frustrated returner.

Erik Donald France said...

Good luck, Pythia, sounds like a plan! Just say no to crackpot grandpas and teenybopper minds with an EQ of 5 year olds! Weirdly enough, I just had dinner with someone who rubbed shoulders with Mario A. in the Bahamas in the 70s. Small world.

Pythia3 said...

So next time, Stewart, I will write shit and get off the pot! And yes, I will post a lovely picture for you!

Michelle's Spell said...

Hey Lindy,

Love this one -- it's so difficult to not become what everyone wants. I'm so glad you're back! Happy New Year!

Andrew Warhola said...

Great photo! I didn't know Michelle had implants!

Dirk_Star said...

You are such a groovy girl...

The more I read the more I like!

Thanks for coming over to say hello.

I think we are going to be buddies...