The Sum of my Parts

My first resolution of the new year (yes, before dieting and daily exercising and all of the other little procrastinations) deals with the adage: "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." I have come to realize that my biggest issue with mySelf and with my (mostly unsuccessful) intimate relationships is the fact that I am but a sum of my parts . . . I am not whole. Somewhere in my past I fragmented mySelf. I disintegrated into the roles that were "expected" of me either by society or by my family or by me and my unreasonably high expectations. I became an expert at each individual role . . . polishing them to perfection. I thought of myself as a chameleon . . . going from Estee Lauder to June Cleaver to Saint Therese to May West with record speed . . . leaving even Mario Andretti in the dust. But, a chameleon knows what it is. It adapts for protective reasons. I, on the other hand, though my reasons may also have been of the protective nature, I lost my point of reference. I forgot who I was . . . unlike the chameleon.

So, in my pseudo-chameleon ways, I eagerly and enthusiastically changed colors time and again over the years. At times, I was accused of no longer playing the role but becoming the role . . . no longer a stereotype but now the archetype. The part of me that had surfaced, dominated and cried out to be healed - would then melt into the role / person that could "see" it, feed it and meet its needs.

Looking back over the many faces of me throughout my years, I can now make sense of my extreme choices. The child in me whose ideal perfect family was shattered by familial alcoholism set out to become the perfect wife / mother by creating the illusion of a perfect family with the perfect family man . . . until the day the spiritualist in me emerged, starving, and found a twin soul spiritualist in another who recognized that part of me. Unfortunately, he was not the family type (which still was and is a big part of me) and so, eventually, that union also ended as the rebellious teenager in me - the one who was stifled by my stern father (not unlike my former lover - no blame intended) broke free and found a teenage man to hang with. My teenager grew up and soon tired of the boy/man who was not merely playing a part . . . he chose to remain eighteen.

Now, I find myself a bit exhausted but ever so enlightened by my self-discoveries. I can move on with the knowledge I have gained and I can begin to integrate my selves into my Self and become one being . . . a whole being and a whole woman.

This, is my first and my most important resolution for the new year 2007: to heal myself into wholeness . . . to become greater than the sum of my parts.